Things That Annoy Me

So, sittin’ out here on the porch of the Home for Retired Cigar Czars with absolutely nothing to do — I’m just thinking about some of the things that annoy me. And just off the top of my head (and that even annoys me because where there used to be a full head of reddish brown hair, there is now just shiny skin) here’s a couple of things that annoy me, and maybe bother you too.

Cream Cheese (Philadelphia or any of the dozen copycat cream cheeses that all sell for more money but, are actually the exact same thing). If we can send a man to the moon, can’t someone invent a better package for cream cheese than this piece of shit foil package it comes in that is a pain in the ass to get open and virtually impossible to close and get back in the package once you’ve used some? 

There’s a similar problem with bacon. Every pound of bacon comes in this plastic wrap that says “separate here to open”. Nobody and I mean nobody can separate the two layers of plastic on the bacon. Do yourself a favor and just take a knife and slice off the top of the package. Also… do ya notice how they package the bacon so that the side you see has the lean red meat showing and if you turn the package over its just solid wall to wall FAT. 

Dry breakfast cereals. I have two favorites: one is Cheerios (just the regular kind, not all of the crazy flavored kinds). There’s probably a 40 feet wall of Cheerios in the store I go to in different flavors and different sized boxes. Some are big enough for kids to make a playhouse out of…. but there’s one thing I can guarantee — whatever is in the absolute biggest box of cheerios can actually still fit in the smallest box! No matter what cereal you buy, they all say “contents may have settled in shipping” — this is bullshit. It’s even truer for most vitamins, but maybe I’ll get to that later if it doesn’t interfere with my naptime.

My other favorite cereals are Post’s Great Grains Crunchy Pecan. The picture on the box shows really scrumptious half pecans and used to say  “scoops of wholesome pecans”. It no longer says that because there musta been a bunch of people like me who wrote them and said there are no SCOOPS of pecans, there are just shards of pecans scattered here and there… but I still like the cereal anyway even if it makes me fart a lot later in the day — not as much as Cheerios make me fart, but still noticeable (to me anyway… I hope not to others).

Well, I’m gonna light up a cigar from one of the boxes in my Cigar Museum. I’m not sure exactly how old it is, but my guess is about 90 to 100 years old. It’s a 5 inch by 42 ring Perfecto, all long filler, handmade in Tampa, and sold for 2 for 15 cents. 

Here’s a picture of part of my cigar museum:

Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Smoke Inn, its employees, or its affiliates.