Smoke Inn Blog Smoke Inn Cigar Talk
Here at the Home For Retired Cigar Czars (that’s us people who sold our businesses before the government got really crazy trying to destroy the cigar industry) most of the guys just sit around all day smoking cigars and looking at pictures of naked women on the internet! What the heck did those old farts do before Al Gore invented this thing?
Anyway, after our morning oatmeal there’s a lady who gives us a nice sponge bath and then wheels us out to the patio where we “shoot the shit” about who found the best porno websites, who got up the most times during the night to pee, who can remember everyone’s name (including their own… and, most importantly, which one of us brought the morning cigars?
Well, I brought the cigars this morning (like I do 9 times out of 10) and we were all ready for action, or in our case inaction, because inaction is what we do best here. We talk, we smoke, and we pee. That’s about it. (Okay… I’ll admit it… yeah, there’s some farting, but let’s not get into minutia.)
Then we all light up, gumming some incomprehensible gibberish about the cigars, and after about five or six minutes everyone falls asleep and their cigars drop onto their laps. Shhh… this is a true fact and a big secret that most of the assisted living homes around Tampa will never mention: 98% of all accidental male deaths in assisted living homes in and around Tampa (the former Cigar Capitol of the World) are the result of old guys smoking cigars and setting themselves on fire — especially the guys with mustaches or beards, they’re the worst!
Now, I’m pretty sure that most of you have heard of a magazine called Cigar Aficionado. It’s a magazine filled with ads for stuff that 99% of you cannot afford, or never in good conscience would buy, but still stuff that’s really nice to look at and daydream about — Lamborghini’s, Ferrari’s, Rolex Watches… and on and on. Anyway, you will never ever, ever see any of the cigars us old time cigar manufacturers and importers smoke advertised in that magazine because all us retired cigar guys smoke cigars that are: “As Good As Any, or Better Than Most” — take your pick… but they all sell for very reasonable prices. Well frankly, it’s usually whatever I buy for them because they’re a bunch of really cheap pricks.
Now, I’ve made a hell of a lot of money during my time in the cigar business, so I could buy them any of the big-name brands because for me, money is really no object. BUT… I don’t. I hafta make sure I buy them cigar brands that won’t get them too excited! Remember, these guys in the rest home already have some major problems regarding wetting their pants, so if I was to supply them with some Montecristos or some other big brand that got them excited… well, the wetting the pants issue could become an epidemic.
HEY! it’s time for my sponge bath, so let me leave you with this advice before they clean me up and put me down for a nap: try all kinds of cigars that fit your pocket or pocketbook and sooner or later you’re gonna find some that fit you in terms of strength, flavor, aroma, and so on. Those are the things that count, not the name on the cigar band.
Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Smoke Inn, its employees, or its affiliates.
